I am afraid

I am afraid that I will be having depression  very soon. I just can't be happy anymore. My heart feels so heavy and me myself who do not like to cry started to cry alone. I am not happy but I will fake my smile and pretend to be a happy-go-lucky girl which my colleagues feel that I am always happy without worries.

I have a family who loves me. But we always argue and I always have cold wars with them.

 I have a going-to-be husband who tolerates me (sometimes). But we will argue sometimes even on small matter. He loves me but I just don't like the tone he talks to me when he is angry. And I also don't like when he put himself No. 1 and myself No. 2 for some scenarios which I will always put him as No. 1. Example : He can just order an ice-cream for himself without asking me. He only realised that after he paid the cashier. I was disappointed but too tired to be upset so I chose to say : "Nothing , I'm alright" when he asked me why am I so quiet.

I am getting married very soon but I do not feel excited at all...emm maybe just a little. I am worrying on many things. About my wedding, my new family, my new life and my new commitment. I didn't want to have a banquet. NO!  NOT AT ALL !

I am having cold wars with my parents now and I don't feel like going home. I would rather sit at a shopping mall typing this blog than going home. My home sweet home makes me feel very stressful and unhappy.

I can't continue anymore. My tears have been dropping so many times while I am typing this. I have to drag myself back to the 'home sweet home'.